From Fragile to Antifragile: Why We Need Conflict to Grow

When Conflict Disrupts Our Equilibrium

I first became curious about equipping myself in conflict because I got stuck in a few tricky ones—and was also on the receiving end of some badly handled ones. The ones that really got to me were the conflicts that spanned over time. I would say for most of us these are the ones that trip us up. It’s not a one time incident that happens, you talk about it, and move on. It’s the patterns of behaviour that drag on.

You notice it once and it bristles you. But then you feel it again. And again. And again. One instance didn’t feel like enough to say anything. You wouldn’t want to be seen as overreacting. But then it happens repeatedly and you wonder, “Is anyone going to do something about it?” And then it seems to be up to you if that “someone” will be you.

You could just ignore it. Hope someone else says something. You could just ignore it, and hope it works itself out over time. But you and I both know—it’s not solving itself. And most likely, no one else is going to do something about it.

So you have a choice: engage or withdraw.

You didn’t ask for this predicament, and in fact, you were quite happy with the way things were before. But now this person has disrupted your equilibrium. What will you do?

Why We Avoid It

It would seem that conflicts are inevitable. And yet, as I work with people of all ages—in work contexts, in sports, in family life—I see, time and time again, that people are able to avoid dealing with conflict quite consistently.

Something happens and they disengage. They avoid that person or that topic, and life moves on. So if conflict can be avoided so easily, what’s the motivation to deal with it?

If you want to walk away from your conflicts, no one is going to stop you. I’m realizing more and more how much this is the norm. For some, they have a vivid experience of a conflict going terribly, and they don’t want to put themselves through that again. For others, conflict feels unbearably uncomfortable—they can’t even take the first step. And still others don’t want to rock the boat. They hope they can hold their breath and keep things just the way they are.

I hear ya.

I’ve made a career of leaning into conflict, and I still get knocked off course by it. It’s one thing to teach and train on navigating conflict—it’s another thing entirely to deal with it yourself. I also have the terrible experiences in my head. My legs still turn to jello with the discomfort. And yes, I often wonder if it will just go away on its own.

What Happens When We Engage

The reality is, we don’t actually “get away” with avoiding conflict. The issues typically bubble beneath the surface until someone snaps, or someone leaves, or something is said that cannot be unsaid.

When I moved towards conflicts in my life, I realized a few things happened:

First, I started to gain clarity about myself. I learned what I was actually struggling with. I got clear on what was important to me. I felt much less reactive.

Second, I no longer operated in the unknown. The “unknown” being the assumptions I was making about the other person: what their concerns were, what they were feeling, their motivations, what they hoped for. The conversation moved from the stories I was telling myself to something that existed between the relationship.

Lastly, I realized that after each conflict I leaned into, the next one felt less daunting. I’m not saying they all went great—on the contrary. I’ve left many conflictual conversations disappointed. But with each hard conversation—and the reflection and learning that followed—my capacity for the next one grew.

From Fragile to Antifragile

Over the years, moving toward conflict has made me less fragile. And more than that—it’s made me antifragile: able to grow stronger through adversity.

Embracing this reality is a powerful reframe. We can choose how we respond to challenges. Do we get knocked down and stay down, protecting ourselves from further harm? Or do we care for our wounds, keep moving forward with greater self-awareness, and trust that we’ll not only be okay—but that we can get stronger?

With this perspective, every conflict we avoid is not neutral. It’s a missed opportunity. It actually makes us more fragile. We’re telling ourselves: I can’t do that. I’m not strong enough.

This fall we’ll explore Antifragility—engaging conflict in a way that makes us stronger. We’re going to look at tools, mindsets, and some of the skills that can support us. We’ll also explore some of what I’ve learned from my own collection of bumps and bruises over the years.

You don’t have to love conflict.

But if you’re curious about how to stop fearing it—and start growing through it—this series is for you.