The Resilience We Never Asked For
When It All Falls Apart
When I was 20, I was tested beyond what I thought I could handle. In hindsight, if someone told me the scope of the situation—and what would be required of me—I would’ve been certain I’d be crushed under the weight of it.
It’s too much. She’s too young. She shouldn’t be responsible for holding all that tension.
I didn’t know then what I know now—but I know what I do now because of the resilience of that 20-year-old.
I continue to learn as I reflect on those experiences. The ones that made me want to understand conflict. That, some days, left me baffled. Other days, angry. And still other moments, deeply disillusioned.
If I could speak to my 20-year-old self now, here’s what I would tell her.
You’ll Feel Like You’re Drowning
You’ll become overwhelmed by the conflict.
It will consume you.
Partly because you can’t escape it.
Partly because it will be on a constant loop in your head as you try to keep everything straight.
You’ll learn that this is a red flag.
When issues aren’t addressed, or acknowledged, they never get pegged down. Never resolved.
It’ll feel like you’re physically holding all the pieces, and they’re tumbling out of your arms as they continue to compile.
Each concern, each issue, each pattern—forgotten unless you **keep them relevant.
No one will care about it as much as you. Even when it’s their responsibility to.
Don’t Give Away Your Power
When that happens, you’ll look to everyone else to validate your experience.
Don’t give people that much power.
Find the people whose opinion matters to you, and share with them.
But with everyone else? Hold that story tight to your chest.
Rather than externalizing your processing, develop your own intuition.
Listen to the physiological cues.
Pay attention to what feels off.
Learn to name what you’re feeling—and then trust it.
Gather the Data, Then Stay Agile
Essentially, you’re pegging the issues down for yourself. Testing them with trusted people. And then—here’s the tricky part—you can’t stay there.
Don’t get stuck, swimming in a pool of your own emotions.
You’ll drown.
Once you have the data of your emotions, use this to channel your response.
Discern the options that are available to you.
You will have options, even if some of those options seem less than ideal.
This will give you agency you may have felt you lost.
This way, if you chose to stay, it will be your choice.
The Brutal Decision: Endure or Exit
The idea of “picking yourself up again” will feel like a slap in the face.
But if you’re choosing to endure in that same environment, eventually that will be what’s best for you.
Even so—it will leave its mark.
If it’s truly toxic and you can’t stay, then discern how you want to make your exit and pull the plug.
Until you leave, your presence becomes an indirect endorsement.
Sometimes, the loudest protest is leaving.
Hard Truths in the Aftermath
You’ll learn the hard way that people won’t have patience for what you’re feeling—especially if it impacts them.
Things will happen to you that are out of your control.
People can be disappointing, difficult, and sometimes downright damaging.
We can’t prevent all the scrapes and bruises.
But we can choose how we respond.
There’s No Map for This
You’ll look around, waiting for someone to tell you what to do.
Waiting for someone to give you permission.
Waiting for a roadmap.
Only to learn—you’ll be bushwhacking this one.
Your situation is unique.
There’s no well-worn trail.
Each question forges a new path:
How do I pretend to be okay?
When will I feel normal again?
All you can do is the next best thing available to you, with the information you have at the time.
There’s no “right” answer.
No one is grading you.
No one’s signing off on your decisions.
Restoring Your Agency
It’s terrifying.
But it’s also freeing—you get to choose how this shapes you. How it forms you.
You can survive this.
And not only survive—but as you learn to listen to yourself and discern—you’ll be that much stronger on the other side.